i got into a conversation today about comforts.. i got to share with one of my superiors at work of the stuff that makes me uncomfortable and the things that make me feel comfortable.. the surprise to myself when I look back on that conversation is that i was telling him :that i feel comfortable in the situations that i dont have control over.. when im out of my element or when im being pushed in different aspects of life or different adverse conditons or when you dont know what the outcome might be.. when im just doing the norm... im not comfortable.. i get antsy... its not a character flaw i dont think.. its my character... i have never been one to settle.... ive been most comfortable and content alone with an open road a journal and a bottle of whiskey... and a co pilot isnt bad either .. .. i have never been one to really care what others might be thinking about me or what im doing.(unless your family, i always care what you think)..
ive been searching lately in my head for something, not satisfied with something and im not sure what it is.. i think constantly about the future and i assume that is a curse cause it brings nothing but more questions and and unfailing uncertainty.. i never really share what im really thinking with people or my thoughts... i like to observe... i always just write in my journal and i read it over later and try to make sense of it.. but it never really does make sense to me after.: so im sharing my thoughts now and not sure how it will be percieved or if it will even make sense to anyone else.. i really do wish i had someone to just talk to about my crazy irrational thoughts all the time and someone who would listen.... but im not sure im ready to that either... and im pretty sure no one would want to waste that time listening to me talk about that which the next day might and probably will mean nothing.. i have sooo many questions... but in the same breath if i didnt have questions how fun would life be.. .. not very...
And this song were singing, even on this lost road,.we can find our way..we will find our way
so many great things are happening in my life this year already and i thank God for all of them.. i cant really tell you what im really thinking but its all very good and God just continues to bless me in ways i cant really explain in writing.. one of the best things that he has taught me this year is i need to be a mentor and a disciple to some younger guys who he has put on my heart... and at first i was like now way will i be doing that.. i thought to myself there is no way that someone who has been screwing up the majority of his life could ever give advice knowing what ive done and my mistakes from the past.. but He has showed me that all those things that ive been through are examples and ttibulations that you could use TO try and reach those others before they make the same mistake or guide them out of ghose situations as i had others guiding me out of those circumstances.... cause you cannot do it on you own... that is for sure.. now way.... no how....
and on a side note....hahah...... im thinking (someone who enjoys doing finances and knows which letters in the mail are important and which ones are not).. could come give me a crash course on this .... cause im failing badly in these two areas... i never seem to keep the important letters and i am just seeing the advantages of having a file cabinet... you can just put everything in there and then just go through it once a year... and finances... well.... i just need help... Math and numbers and commas.... its just too much .....
Behind such a heavy note sings a beautiful song... and i will come back someday if i do not lose my way
